Spiraling Darkness
by Eve Davidson
Summary: Johnny contemplates suicide in the field near the train.
1. Chapter 1

Ponyboy fell asleep on the train and I nearly did, too. Kept jerking myself awake. I could see myself falling asleep and we'd travel all the way to Oklahoma City and right into the waiting arms of the cops. Uh huh. No way. So I made sure to stay awake even though Pony's weight on my legs caused them to go to sleep. I couldn't even wiggle my toes.

Windrixville, Dally said. So I counted the stops and tried to shift under Pony to get a little blood back into my legs.

I shook Pony and told him to jump. He did even though his eyes were still shut.

I thought, we both thought the church would be right there but we landed in a field with the slashes of dawn in the sky. I blinked at it. I don't think I'd ever been up until dawn before. And there was nothing. No church. I could barely see a road. Just the field, all wet, getting my jeans wet because I had to sit down and rub the hell out of my legs.

"Damn it, Pony. You put my fucking legs to sleep," He looked sheepish and sorry and then I was sorry.

"Why didn't you tell me to move?" he said, and I noticed how really young he was, just barely 14.

"I didn't want to wake you until I had to,"

He set off toward the road to get directions to Jay Mountain. I could barely walk, he slept on my legs for hours.

He took the gun. It was in the pocket of that huge jacket Dally gave him. I wish I had that jacket. I was always freezing in this stupid jean jacket.

And it hit me then. Sitting in that field with the weird gold and red light of dawn, it hit me. I killed someone. So he had beat me up. I'd been beaten up before and worse by my own father.

I…he wasn't living anymore…because of me. I could have just, maybe, slashed at him with that switchblade, I could have…It was weird, though. It was kind of like I'd lost my mind, all I could think was, "They're killing Pony and they're gonna kill me," and the thought was like a scream in my head.

They had thrown me down and kicked me hard in the stomach, one of them. Goddamn socs. I couldn't breathe. I could hardly move. And I kept hearing Pony saying, "Johnny, help me, Johnny," and I gasped and watched them dunk him in that damn little fountain over and over.

And then I just, I don't know, my stomach still hurt but I could breathe again and I reached for my switchblade and once it was in my hand I didn't feel scared, or tough, or mad. I felt nothing, like I was the one they killed.

So now that kid was dead and I'd killed him. I was a murderer. I looked off toward the train tracks gleaming with the same red gold that was in the sky. Something as ordinary as those train tracks didn't make sense with the knowledge that I'd killed someone.

Then I thought of killing myself. It would be a way out, maybe the only way out. Was I going to hide out with Pony my whole life? But besides that I had done an evil thing. I deserved to die. Pony had the gun, damn it. But I had the switchblade.

I took it out and flicked it open. It gleamed dully in the brighter light. I could just slit my wrists and pray to God for forgiveness all the way down.

But what would Pony do? I couldn't do that to him. I'd dragged him out here with me, I couldn't let him come back to this field and find a corpse. He was so young.

So I put the blade back in my pocket and laid down. I was so tired. I slept until I heard Pony calling my name.


	2. Chapter 2

He got directions and babbled on about it, and that funny gold left the sky. It was just the ordinary white light of day.

Even though Pony's parents were dead and he was just as dirt poor as me I envied him. He was smart. He could talk to people. He was kind of shy but that was only at first. He could talk to people. Me, I couldn't say noth in'.

We were getting closer, I could see the mountain in the distance. Leave it to Dally to send us to some crazy place like this.

Walking forever, we'd been going all night. I saw that damn dead kid every time I closed my eyes. Those rings on his hands. That day in the lot, that day all four of them socs ganged up on me, all I could see was the damn sun flashing off those rings.

Pony was looking pretty tired, bags under his eyes and all. I must not look any better. I felt so tired, out of my mind tired, out of my mind scared.

The church up ahead, all old looking, the paint coming off it. Deserted. We tore the boards off the door to get in. I felt too tired to pull 'em off, the old rusty nails creaking away.

It was so dusty inside, the plaster falling right off the walls in some spots. I coughed after breathing in some of it.

Suicide had always been hanging over my head, ever since I realized my parents didn't care about me. It wasn't just them. It was this whole greaser/soc thing. I couldn't take it. I wasn't like Dal and Two-bit and Steve and Soda, they all liked fighting. It wasn't the same for them. Two-bit's father took off, Soda's old man had been so normal. Nice and all. If they had to put up with getting hit all the time at home they wouldn't like fights so much. So suicide was there, like a friend waiting for me. But I'd never come so close to it as I did in that field just now. I still don't know what stopped me.

I folded up my jean jacket for a pillow and slept, a sleep too deep for dreams, or at least I couldn't remember any.


End file.
